How NOT to get your driver's license: A Horror Story

So, somewhere in between meeting the lady playing the bagpipes on the running trails and encountering the Raptor Club (complete with live birds!) on the lower floor of the community center, I realized I hadn't been behind the wheel of a car in a while. Which is weird, considering what I had to go through to get there.

This little piece of plastic is the trophy of an epic journey.

When I was fifteen and a half, in a younger, more innocent age, I was exited at the prospect of receiving my learner's permit. I went down to the local DMV and waited for half an hour before my father and I learned they weren't actually administering the permit tests there. So we got back in the car, without making eye contact with the libertarian protesters handing out leaflets just outside the door, and drove to the next DMV, about twenty minutes away.

While we're waiting in line (again), the most obnoxious jerk on my high school's football team showed up and got in line behind me. He happened to be in three of my classes. He asked if I'd studied for the test.

I laughed. "Study? Dude, it's a standardized state test. Multiple choice, man." He gave me a weird look and turned his back on me. We awkwardly waited for another hour until they finally called us up.

I flunked on the fourth question. He passed. By Monday, the whole freshmen class knew about it.

So, one mandatory thirty day waiting period later, I return to the DMV after studying for several straight hours. I pass. Now I've just got a few more things to do:

• Wait nine months
• Pass the in-school driver's ed class
• Drive and record 45 hours on the road, 15 of which must be at night
• Take the county mandated Behind-The-Wheel class outside of school
• Pass my driving test in an actual car
• Go to the county courthouse to receive my actual license

At least now I know why the libertarians are always picketing outside the DMV. 

So I get to work. It takes another year, during which time my parents get pretty tired of driving me places, but I pass my final test and receive a paper license. It expires in six months. All I need to do is wait for the court summons . . . which never comes.

I spend five hours on the phone, talking to county court and DMV people, who each refer me back and forth to one another. My license expires. I go to the DMV to petition for an extension of my temporary license and request my temporary one be extended. Another hour later, and I can drive for thirty more days. The extension expires. Finally, I convince my parents to try calling the court . . . and I'm told to show up the next day. Apparently, a non-voting sixteen year old can't effectively cajole the DMV into helping her out.

But it's all worth it. I got to drive just in time for gas prices to hit four bucks a gallon. Oh, the lure of the open road!