How NOT to drive: five things your driving instructor forgot to teach you

I consider myself a decent driver. Not perfect, but decent. My car has its share of scratches and dings on the bumper, but only one of those was actually my fault. And despite my troubles at actually getting my licence (see here), I'm a decent driver. The great commonwealth of Virginia has pushed me through more driving classes and scared-straight programs than I can count, but I've actually learned something.

This isn't from an accident. This is what happens when I punch my car after waiting in line for  three hours at the DMV

 But there's some driving tricks you can only learn from experience. Here's a few.

When there's room to change lanes, someone will change lanes. Without signalling. If there is a space the size of a car between you and the car in front of you, expect someone to enter it. Without signalling. Because apparently, you've left that spot open just for them, instead of, you know, to provide a cushion of safe space between you and the driver ahead of you. Apparently, leaving that space open is the equivalent of sending other drivers an engraved invitation: Cut me off! Cut me off! There's nothing you can really do about this. Just be warned.

Sometimes, your car won't work. Sometimes, you'll have a flat tire, or your battery will die, or you'll blow out your clutch. So if you have your own car, there is a second piece of equipment you will need: a cell phone. This is how you call friends and ask for a ride. This is also the step where you need friends with cars, and why car ownership requires certain lifestyle changes. It's easy to chart out how much car owners will spend on insurance, car payments, and those other things your parents pay for (gas! I forgot gas!). Hidden costs include buying Starbucks for your friend when she drops everything to come drive you to school, making the hideous sacrifice of leaving a whole twenty minutes early to come save you. To avoid this common problem, if you're the person with the bad car, make friends. If you're the person with friends, check your phone each morning to make sure you have no emergency texts from said friends.

Be warned: the lane you're driving in likes to change into a turn lane with no prior warning. This is common in all towns across the continental USA. All the fault of shortsighted urban planners who decided after three drinks 'ah, screw it, I'll just make that normal lane into a turn lane, because my girlfriend just dumped me and I want this whole town to suffer like me.' Those little ticks can drive a whole town crazy. If you don't want this to cause you trouble, I suggest memorizing every single one of these annoying little changes. If you can't, try being female and looking just helpless enough that people will let you cut quickly back into their lane.

Your GPS is a really handy tool. It can tell you how to get anywhere. Unfortunately, my GPS was made in 2004 and I don't know how to update the street map, so after eight years of nonstop construction in my hometown it's about as valuable as the copper inside the wiring. Also, since mine doesn't come with a handy dashboard map, I lean it up against that . . . thingie in between the seats, whatever it's called . . . and whenever it's sunny outside, the glare prevents me from seeing the screen. Not to mention that it loves falling down and wedging itself next to the emergency break. I can't count the number of times I've taken the wrong exit because the darn thing fell over. This problem can be fixed with duct tape.

Lastly, dealing with bikes. You've probably seen a few new bike lanes being installed in your town. It sounds like a smart idea. Encourage people to bike to work, save the planet. Those lanes also perform a vital function of getting the stupid bikers out of your way. I enjoy exercise. Many of my friends are triathletes. I understand you have a big race to train for, I understand the law says you have to be on the road, I know you don't like being surrounded by cars either . . . but I still don't like the biker on the road. Namely, how he's going twenty miles below the speed limit and causing the right lane to slow down massively while everyone tries to get into the left lane. The poor fool stuck directly behind the bike--usually me--has no room to accelerate, so they can't match the speeds of the people in the left lane and get out. This leads to many angry people. Bikers, please, if you notice twenty cars backed up behind you, turn onto a less popular street.    Fellow drivers, there's not much you can do about this one unless you're willing to spend the rest of your life in jail. Apparently, 'supreme annoyance' doesn't justify 'vehicular homicide'.