Book Review: Realmgolds, by Mike Reeves-McMillan

Someone once said 'Dying is easy, comedy is hard', and Realmgolds, by Mike Reeves-McMillan, proves it. I've read many bad novels, but at least  I could laugh at them. Maybe this is all supposed to be satire. But satire is supposed to reflect a controversy in our society, and there is nothing controversial about genocide and racism being bad things. Maybe this is supposed to  be the parody of a bad fantasy novel. But if so, the author probably shouldn't describe masses of civilians being used as human booby trap detectors. Parodies should have a punch line on every page, like the far superior Royal Flush. I'm forced to assume this was a legitimate attempt to write a fantasy novel.

The hero of the story, Determined, is the king of the land of Denning. No one takes him seriously as a ruler. Until, that is, the story begins. Victory, the queen of the neighboring kingdom (they're technically called Realmgolds), starts giving Determined political advice that's supposed to be savvy and brilliant, such as 'educate your citizens' and 'use the media to influence public opinion'. Victory's only flaw is that she can sometimes be reckless, but that doesn't matter, as every reckless decision she makes pays off.

Victory wants Determined to join her in proclaiming freedom to all the gnomes enslaved by dwarves in their kingdoms. This brave moral stand goes against centuries of dwarf tradition, but the dwarves remain loyal to their human monarchs nevertheless. In fact, it's pretty creepy how all these minorities have absolutely no representation in their governments and seem content to be ruled by humans. The humans in this book live in a strict class system of Coppers (peasants), Silvers (merchants), and Golds (nobles), but the non-humans don't belong to this system. They appear to have a degree of self governance, but  Determined, the supposed hero, doesn't have one non-human in his circle of friends and advisers 

When the racist mob of uneducated peasants calling themselves the Human Purity movement starts taking over his kingdom, Determined opposes it, because he's the hero, and heroes have to oppose bad things like racism, not because he's genuinely connected to the people getting hurt.

In fact, Determined's got no skin in the game at all. Stories require protagonists who are in some kind of physical or emotional danger. This creates tension, which drives the story forward. Determined's got the unwavering support of his loyal friends who approve of everything he does. Far too many pages consist of Determined sitting at a desk and giving orders to his secretary, like one exchange where he orders the commander of the city guard brought  in, orders the commander's boss to come in, orders the commander arrested, orders everyone to swear a loyalty oath to him . . . in other words, scenes that could be summed up in a single paragraph, since no worthwhile character or plot development occurs there.

When a major event is about to occur, we get pages of planning the event, and mere paragraphs of the actual event. This might be interesting if the plans were exceedingly clever, but they aren't. An entire chapter is devoted to Determind's personal secretary swearing a magical loyalty oath to Determined, because to be a good guy in this story, you must worship at Determined's feet. Of course, it's not all hot chicks and good times for Determined--he has to leave his cushy palace and live in a wasteland filled with biting flies--but aside from a few red bumps, he doesn't suffer anything in the course of the story (his supporters suffer, but Determined never feels guilty outside the scene in which said suffering occurs).

Again, he wins the war against the evil Nazi racists by informing the people of the occupied capital city their leader has fled, and in the exact next scene, he's back in his royal palace and the racial tensions plaguing his kingdom have completely vanished. Determined's biggest action scene is his own wedding to the woman who is mutually in love with him.

Of course, the antagonist is the worst part of the story. Reeves-McMillan doesn't seem to know what 'subtle' means. The villain thinks 'if [the racist Human Purity movement] wasn't about power, he didn't know what it was about'. He kills babies and hires rioters to destroy buildings. Even Hitler did what he did because he had convinced himself the Jews were evil, but this villain doesn't even try to rationalize his deeds away. This level of cartoonish evil outshines Determined's Mary Sue nature.

Realmgolds is a novel without purpose. It isn't funny, it isn't deep, and it isn't even mildly entertaining. No fraction of this book adds to the preexisting fantasy cannon. There is not a single original character, idea, or event within these pages. Even in a genre like fantasy that draws heavily on pre-existing tropes, the author has a duty to combine those tropes in a way that is interesting and unique. This novel does none of that, and I fail to see why of all the possible stories in the world, this was the one the author chose to write.

This novel is grammatically correct and does contain a fairly consistent voice. There is also a plot. My rating? For a fantasy novel, one and a half stars. For a novel, one.

You can download Realmgolds here